I was tired and exhausted when we met at a health clinic last year. A depression had brought you there. Triggered by a separation that you could hardly process. The first time I saw you, you seemed kind of creepy to me. When we first started talking and you told me your story, you had all my sympathy. And I lost sight of the feeling for myself.
You sat in front of me with tears in your eyes. Finished, empty and drained. Even if, according to your words, you were emotionally over your ex-girlfriend and she no longer wanted to go back, your struggle for this love had made you fall into a hole from which you tried to fight your way out again. You did everything for her. Nothing was right, nothing was good enough. You were never enough. She constantly accused you that it was all about you, she had never realized what sacrifices you made for her. Your pain was palpable to me, because I knew him too well.
In recent years, I too had lived through such a relationship. No matter what I did then, I was to blame for everything. My then partner manipulated me, punished me, lied to me and constantly showed me how inadequate I am. That feeling almost destroyed me at the time. I could understand you so well. Our conversations quickly developed a certain depth on this common basis. And after a few days I saw you walking around again in the morning with a smile on your lips.
We had both been hurt
The last week together in this clinic was beautiful. Every day you had a new idea for a special venture. Showed me beautiful places in the area, went to eat with me, organized a picnic in the forest. And at some point you took my hand and kissed me. While I was still thinking the days before, how could this woman treat such a wonderful, emotional and warm man so badly, how could she even begin to do to him what I had to suffer with my ex-boyfriend, I was now thinking: how can it be that he now suddenly looks me in the eye? That he suddenly said such good things to me that I suddenly felt his lips on mine? I had always just learned that I was not enough, not good enough.